And
you're welcome for sharing with you my vast knowledge and wisdom on how
to enjoy the good life through that frozen aforementioned culinary
delight. The knowledge and wisdom that I've gained over a long and hard
51.9 years. Yes I'm talking about that dark creamy, chocolaty frozen
concoction of which I derive vast amounts of happiness and pleasure,
strength and understanding of life itself. The nectar of the Gods that,
the life giving elixir that can solve all know problem and cure all know
diseases. Yes, you know that of which I speak. Bow your head as I say
the words, "Chocolate Ice Cream". And know a moment of silence...
That's
long enough, I must now elaborate on the subject. Any brand is good but
there are a few, that I might say, can increase the euphoric experience
exponentially. (Did you notice the three "e" words. Kind of like
Shakespeare when he wrote "headlong hurled the hags"). I'd like to
mention a few brands if I may. First, and probably my favorite for a
plethora of reasons, is the King Soopers brand (unfortunately the name
has eluded me for the moment) which is always on sale. Then there is the
Baskin Robbins brand, but make sure to get the "Deep Chocolate Fudge",
it's far better than the plain chocolate which is pretty darn good as
well (I just noticed that the letters "rn" in the work darn can look
like the letter "m"). There's always Hagen Daz but a little harder to
spell and you tend to pay a premium price for it. Ben and Jerry have put
together some pretty good alternatives if you can't find plain
chocolate. Unfortunately, they tend to mix in a lot of extra unnecessary
stuff which can distract from the experience. Yet you can often still
come away with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
Then
there's the soft-server. Although this is really a subject for another
time and place and I really don't have time to go into it now, I will
say here that it really chaps my hide when people think that it is
acceptable to offer only vanilla. Vanilla! please. Vanilla isn't even a
flavor. It's like offering only water at a soda fountain. When I go to a
soda fountain I expect to come away with a beverage that satisfies. I
want something brown with flavor. Something that is bad for me,
something that will dissolve rust instantly or take the paint off your
car. I don't want to settle for water. Likewise, I don't want to be
forced to settle for vanilla ice cream. Yes water is the major
ingredient in soda like vanilla ice cream is a major ingredient in
chocolate ice cream and yes I suppose water can quench your thirst like
vanilla can fill your stomach. But then what? You're left empty,
unsatisfied and wanting for with no hope in sight. You're outlook on
life goes down the toilet, you become depressed, grouchy a pitiful
excuse for a human been. And seeing that you're stomach is now full of
this vile, unholy and outright yuchy alternative, (and even if you're
not actually full, even if you spewed forth the evil substance before
totally consuming it, you still feel like you are full) you can
drink/eat no more, you are left like that retched creature Golum in this
awful, hopeless state of unhappiness. Left to wallow in the pit of
despair, for what sometimes seems like an eternity.
Now
don't you think it is worth making the correct choice the first time
and saving yourself from the nefarious consequences. When you come to a
vanilla only establishment, put your hand up and to shield your face,
utter the phrase "get the behind me false oppressor", and walk away, far
away. Do not allow yourself to surcome to the villainous advertisements
of the evil one, who shall not be named. Make up your mind now to make
the right choice and when that inevitable time comes the decision will
be easy. You won't have to make that decision over and over each time.
It's already made and that's it. Teach your children so they too can
avoid that most lamentable mistake. Even though the world may think it
is an acceptable alternative we know better and hold ourselves to a
higher standard.
